Wow!

It's been a crazy couple of weeks! The MedCity News cornhole tournament was last week, and I was completely swamped in details for that...

Back in the office today for the first time in nearly a week. Lots of things going on with work and at home. Trying hard not to get too stressed out b/c I don't want to end up getting sick!

Just a few things of note:
1. Zhu Zhu pets are going to take over the world! Already sold out everywhere, I can't imagine the chaos they will cause come Christmas. Thank goodness my girls already have all four available hamsters and sets! Now, if we could get our hands on some clothes for the hamsters, we'd be all set!

2. Took myself off of the BCP. I was on it to treat my migraines and PMDD. I just hate the way it makes me feel. Taking a break for a while. Hopefully I can manage the symptoms on my own. Have a headache now, but pretty sure it's cuz I've had no caffeine today - another thing I'm trying to avoid.

3. Totally feeling the need to start exercising again and lose the weight that this past year has caused me to gain... ordered Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD today. I think I can squeeze in a 30 minute work-out in the a.m. before work. Wish me luck! (Said feeling has probably been caused by jeans shopping over the weekend... oh how I wish I was a little bit taller)

4. Met Maddy's preschool teacher yesterday. Very ready for her to start school next week. She's definitely going to learn a lot this year!

5. My work schedule for the next couple of weeks is getting out of control. Cornhole event was fabulous, but now my real work begins. I really want to close a couple of deals as a result of the cash we blew on the event... My life working for a start-up is never boring :)

6. My blackberry is being retarded today. It won't let me open my address book - it just freezes up. ANNOYING!!

That's it for now. Tomorrow's post will focus on the dentist and the hell it's been for my Maddy.

Kalahari Here We Come

So, heading out to Kalahari tomorrow for a 2-night stay with the fam. Should be fun except that as all mommies out there know, it's also a lot of work. Gotta head home tonight to load up the coolers and pack up EVERYTHING we need for 3 days of waterpark fun. Wow. Lots of work ahead, and I actually have to go to a meeting at 7:30 tomorrow morning before we leave!

All day I have been making a mental list of all things I must pack...

I put hubby in charge of shopping for snacks/drinks today. I'm sure he did a great job, and it's one less thing for me to worry about. We'll see when I get home tonight...

Lots happening at work. Totally busy few days, and I will have to keep my eyes on the email while we're at Kalahari. Very glad they have free Internet access!!

Today's List

Woo-hoo! It's Friday. Not a whole of stress going on today. A few things I need to get done, but nothing major. I also think I'm feeling better after a pep talk/meeting I had this morning for work. Anyhow, here's my list:

1. Need to get birthday gift for Maddy to take to friend's party tomorrow
2. Thinking our Friday meeting/dinner is going to run later than I'd like
3. Hoping we have time to visit the Corn Festival this weekend
4. Hoping I can figure out a way for our little company to fund an intern
5. Need to round up stamping $$ owed to me... Hubby is not happy about that.

Thursday's List

Here we go. Today, I'm thinking about:

1. What am I going to wear tonight? Going out with the neighbors to a bar/pub. I'm thinking jeans and my fav black flip-flops, but I'm not sure about a shirt...??
2. Will I be able to find what I want to wear in the giant pile of clean clothes that fills my extra bedroom? Hmm.... should probably put that all away sometime this century.
3. I need an intern. So happy to be talking to someone from NOCHE tomorrow!
4. I have to wake up early for the third day in a row tomorrow! Damn breakfast meetings.
5. Should I go through the mess of creating a "media kit" for the company?
6. Hoping hubby doesn't flip out when the credit card bill comes this month... which will be any day now, perhaps even today.
7. I NEED to put in the July stamping order this week. Damn all those ladies who haven't placed their orders yet!!! I hate harassing them.

That's it for now.

Hiatus

Well, it's been like 6 months since I've posted anything here. Why? Well, a lot has changed with me personally and professionally, and honestly, I had no idea what to do with this blog.

Do I want to be a "mommy blogger" and post about my kids? Not really. I love my kids, but more of my thoughts about them are purely in a bragging-show-off sort of way. Who doesn't think about their kids like that?

When I re-entered the blogging world last year, I had all intentions of writing more about my corporate life and the fashionista side of me that came with it; however, I am no longer living that life. Everyone knows I was job hunting during my last post. Happy news - I am employed and started a new job shortly after that last post. The interesting thing is that I now work for a start-up online news service and I am the only "employee" at this point. So, now some of this blog may share the trials and tribulations of heading down this untread path, I don't have too many characters to use here, and upon any Google search you would instantly figure out all of them.

Aside from the question of what to do with this blog, I also started wondering why do I want to blog at all? Answer: it's an outlet, a place to vent, a place to clear my head. Yes, sometimes I can write fun, spunky things, but I don't want to stress about that.

So - what's on my mind? What do I need to write about? Every day this is going to be my list of things on my mind, things that are stressing me out, things I just need to put somewhere... Maybe it's interesting to other people, and maybe it's not, but that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to keep the name because, frankly, I love the name. And, also because finding the perfect shoes to any outfit is frequently a source of stress for me! Right now, I have some stress related to shoes: I have a DSW gift card (where said plaid pumps were purchased) and no time to shop!!!!

40 Dumb Things About Me

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? Nope.
2. Do you have a favorite non-coffee, non-alcoholic drink? Diet Mountain Dew
3. Do you own a gun? No way
4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shop? Signature Hot Chocolate
5. What do you think of hot dogs? They're ok. I like them with the cheese inside.
6. Favorite Christmas movie? Rudolph by Rankin Bass
7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Hot chocolate
8. Can you do push ups? Yes, but not very many.
9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My ring with Maddy's birthstone. Jerry gave it to me for my first Mother's Day.
10. Favorite hobbies? scrapbooking, stamping, shopping, reading
11. Do you have ADD? nope -I'm an extremely focused person
12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? I have no patience.
13. Middle name? Sue
14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? I need to get in the shower soon. I should probably eat a quick lunch before I leave for interview. I hate that I have a really long day planned.
15. 3 drinks I drink most often? Diet Mountain Dew, Sunny D, apple juice
16. Current worry right now? Ha! I think everyone knows the answer to that.
17. Current hate(s) right now? My house is a mess. Giant laundry pile.
18. Favorite place to be? home with my girls
19. How did you ring in the New Year? Party for hubby's 30th birthday
20. Like to Travel? Yes and wish I could do more of it!
21. Name three people who will steal this and post on their blog? Have no idea.
22. Do you own slippers? yes - several different styles
23. What color shirt are you wearing? gray and black
24. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor? Hell no. I'm a total girl. I hate being outside with bugs and animals. I don't even eat most normal food, so I could never do any of those weird food challenges. I have no patience for annoying/stupid people.
25. What songs do you sing in the shower? Sometimes HSM songs with Maddy.
26. Favorite girl names? Madeline, Emma, Charlotte, Chloe
27. Favorite boy names? Henry, Calvin
28. What's in your pocket right now? Don't have any pockets
29. Last thing that made you laugh? Maddy doing a runway show in her new bikini and sunglasses (I'll have to post pictures)
30. Worst injury you've ever had? Broken femur
31. Do you love where you live? LOVE my house. It's our dream home.
32. How many TVs do you have in your house? 4
33. Who is your loudest friend? ???
34. Does someone have a crush on you? Probably my girls, since I spoil them rotten!
35. What is your favorite candy? Reeses eggs
36. Favorite Sports Team? Not really into sports.
37. What were you doing 12 AM last night? On the computer
38. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today? All the shit I have to do before I leave for my interview
39. What is your favorite Holiday? Christmas
40. What are your plans for tomorrow? Home & Flower Show with my aunt, visit my grandparents, dinner with my girls and clean the house

Passion

I had an interview yesterday with a hospital system that I would absolutely die to work for... they are growing and strong and a very reputable organization. The job is a perfect fit for me - a strategic communications manager role... aaahh... heaven.

I wish there was some way, aside from the normal things said in my interviews yesterday, that I could convey how passionate I am about health care and about the communications field, in general. Whenever I think about this job, I can just feel all the energy bursting inside. I want this job with my whole heart, but all I can do now is wait for them to call. HR said it would be a week or two... aaaahhh!

In all of the interviews I've been on these last several months, this one felt very different. I had no weird feelings or unusual gut reactions. I LOVED the people I met. I had a lot in common with them. I know a TON of the same people in their circle, and quite frankly, I was just inspired and refreshed in meeting the group.

I know I have posted here before about prayers and wanting particular positions, but this one is right for me. I can feel it in my soul. It's the right level, it's the right type of responsibilities, it's health care and fun people!!!!!!

I just have to wait now, and hope I don't get an ulcer in the meantime.

Overwhelming

I've decided that job searching/networking/interviewing is much harder and more exhausting than actually having a job. I have this constant 24/7 need to be sitting at the computer, searching job postings, emailing, tweeting, hoping to find something I missed before...

Anyhow, I feel like in the past few weeks things have started to open up a little bit. I've been on a few more interviews and there are a few more postings this week that seem to be a possible fit for me, so we shall see. I've got a fun interview on Thursday already lined up.

I've been networking like a crazy woman, and I feel good about all the connections I've made. I know many of my new friends will be great allies now and in the future... I'm a little amazed at how "small world" Cleveland has started to feel lately.

Oh well, I'm rambling. Not a whole lot to say except the search continues. There is a job I'd LOVE to have at another hospital, and I'm waiting for a phone call. I'm not good at waiting, although I'm getting better at it as the weeks pass by...

I am a bit under the weather. I have a terrible cold/sinus thing going on. Ugh. Both girls have got some version of it as well.

I'm home today with just Em. Maddy had school, so Emma and mommy are having a nice quiet day. She's napping now. I heart her new lip-smacking thing she started doing when she wants to give me a kiss. It's just completely melting me today.

Anyhow, I've got a lot I want to get done while she's sleeping, so I'm off to check some things off my to-do list!

Roller Coaster Ride

So, last Monday I remember spending much of the morning in tears. Just upset and sad about everything and being full of regrets and anger - definitely on the down turn of the roller coaster ride. This week, a totally different story. I'm on the up side of the roller coaster ride.

I have three interviews this week!!! Woo-hoo!! I also have another meeting scheduled next week that has me super-psyched. And, our local newspaper wants to include me in a story about the unemployed - blogging, interviews, video, photos, etc. I think it could be a lot of fun, and it's something to keep me occupied.

Tomorrow is outplacement training day - ugh. Wednesday I am down to C-bus for an interview, and then I have two other agency interviews on Thursday.

Riding high!

Kalahari

Tomorrow my family embarks on our 6th annual winter trip to Kalahari. There are 23 of us going. We fill two giant suites!! This trip is my grandparents' Christmas gift to us all, and we all really look forward to it every year. It's funny but the first year we went, Jerry and I were just married and we went on all the rides ourselves. Drank a lot. The next year, I was pregnant with Maddy. Ugh. Being there and feeling like a whale in a bathing suit kinda sucked. The next year was Maddy's first trip. She fell asleep in the lazy river on a tube with Jerry. The next year, I was pregnant with Emma. Again, whale feeling. Last year, Emma's first trip. She got sick there, but she tried to stay happy and enjoy it. Now, hopefully this year, we'll have two healthy girls there. Maddy is SUPER excited. Emma loves the water, so I'm sure she will also have a blast.

It's great because we all divided up food/drink stuff and everybody is bringing something. Should be a great time.

These 23 people... it's my mom's side of the family. My grandparents (they are 65 years old), my parents, the four of us, my brother's family (wife and two daughters), my single uncle, my other uncle's family (son, son's friend, girlfriend, girlfriend's daughter), my aunt's family (husband, three sons and one daughter). Crazy, crazy. Age range 65-9 months and everything in-between!

Gotta go finish packing! I'll post on Monday and let you know how it goes!

Revelations

Well, tomorrow marks three weeks since the official HR meeting at Nat City. It's been an emotional roller coaster - surgery and recovery, and then facing reality. Here I sit, blogging as an unemployed PR pro. And what I have realized in these few weeks is exactly that - I am a public relations professional. Why is that important? Because as I read through job posting after job posting, there are times when I read marketing jobs and sales jobs and development jobs and think to myself, "I could do that." And I could. I know I could mold myself into those roles and do them well. However, those things are not my passions. They are not what I love to do and they are not what I devoted my college years to studying and mastering.

Thanks to my severance package, I have time to find something new and I need to do myself justice by not settling and not succumbing to fear and taking something that just isn't me. I LOVE working with the media. I'm good at it. I've had success that many PR pros dream about. I LOVE health care. I completely and with my whole self miss that work. Not necessarily the place, but the work. Telling stories. That's what I do.

Every time I hear that song "Rockstar" by Pink, I get all pumped up and think about how I am a rockstar. Now, I just need to find a company that is willing to let me perform on their stage.

I've been asked a lot lately about what I want to do - corporate or agency? My answer is either. It doesn't necessarily matter to me. What matters to me is that I'm valued and that the people are inspiring and comfortable. Most importantly, they need my expertise and it feels right in my gut.

These past few months have been excruciating for me. I'm used to being at the top, being a standout. Now, I feel like I'm starting all over again. And that's ok, because I've learned so many lessons and realized what really matters to me. I am a public relations professional and I will come out of this mess being a better one.

Movie-Goers

OK, so I went to the movies this afternoon with my friend Julie to see Confessions of a Shopaholic. We both read all the books and were prepared to take in the film version, but as we sat in the theater, we were just cracking up at our fellow attendees.

We got there early, scoped out good seats. You all know that getting good seats is easy, but good seats quickly become HORRIBLE seats as more people pop in and don't know good etiquette. When the theater is not full, there is no need to sit right next to, in front of, or even remotely really close to other people you don't know... well, we didn't get anyone TOO close, except for the woman who sat in front of us (not directly in front, but one seat over). It was so strange. She brought a pillow with her and put it behind her back. She was there alone and she sat bundled up in her coat the entire time. Then there were a two men (not together) who came to this complete chick flick ALONE. WEIRD. Then, there was the woman who was obviously not handicapped who sat in the handicapped seats AND she was wearing a bizarre sparkly red knit hat...? And, we cracked up at the poor sap guys who got dragged to this movie by the girlfriends who have them completely whipped. Hilarious.

This movie is a total nod to fashionistas/shopaholics everywhere, so there were a few women there who were dressed a little too appropriately for attending an afternoon matinee... yes, girl with the gold ballet slippers I mean you.

So, the afternoon movie experience was worth it - laughs are the best medicine, especially when you are depressed about your current employment status!

Job Stuff

It's been a busy week... I had lunch with a Malachi House board member on Tuesday and then a round of formal interviews there yesterday. Things went well. Am I certain this is a good fit? No. Need to learn more and figure out if fundraising is really the way I want to go... I do want to work in non-profit, but I rather do PR than development work. We'll see. The place is really touching and inspiring. The work would be meaningful... aaahhh.

I also had drinks last night with a friend and my former boss. It was good to catch up. It's still incredibly hard to hear about the person they hired to replace me at the hospital. I just have to keep doors open. And, listening to her, it does remind me of why I chose to leave in the first place.

The girls and I are home today. Maddy woke up at 2 a.m. with the stomach flu, throwing up ever since. Bummer is I was supposed to go to school with her today to be the parent helper for pink pancake day :( I'm sad we had to miss it. So far Emma is ok, but I would take bets that she ends up sick tonight!

Recovering

The surgery went well. Everything went as planned. I got wheeled back into surgery at 11:45. Woke up around 2:00. Left the hospital at 5:30. My mom came and spent the night on Wednesday night, which was really helpful. I spent Thursday and Friday home alone, and it was glorious! Nothing but sleeping, reading and watching TV. It was a peaceful couple of days. I finished two novels in two days! And then read a third one yesterday. I went to my mom's to get out of the house a little bit yesterday. I had lunch there and slept on the couch. Today we ventured out to my grandparents' house to celebrate my grandpa's 65th birthday. I love my grandma!! I came home with a snuggie blanket and moisturizing socks - it was my "get well" goody package.

I'm home now agonizing over tomorrow. I'm home alone with the girls... back to real life. Good thing is I have a lunch meeting about Malachi House on Tuesday!! Wednesday will be another day at home, and on Thursday, I am going to Maddy's school to be a class helper. (I never get to do that when I'm working.)

I am going to get a manicure tomorrow night - it's a must. I need to go into Tuesday feeling good and ultra-confident. Need good nails for that! I just need to figure out how to tell my hubby that I need the manicure... hmmm. I think I'll just email him while he's at work tomorrow.

Nervous

Surgery tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at 9:00 a.m. I probably won't be posting until later this week or early next. I have no idea how much pain will be had post-surgery... I know I'll be getting some good drugs, but still. If I actually had a job at the moment, I would've had to take a week off to recover, so I know this is no picnic. 4 little scars.... ugh.

Day One

It's day one of this world I am now living in... Home with the girls today, and it's weird. I am going to struggle with this "routine." Monday's I'll have both girls home with me all day. Tuesday's and Thursday's Maddy will go to school and to my MIL's like usual. Wednesday's I'll have them both home. Friday's my mom will still have them.

Good news though - it's my first day, and I've already arranged for two meetings/discussions. One with a guy from an agency based in Columbus - I have a lot of friends/connections down there from college, and they are interested in expanding their businesses in health care and banking... The other is with Brown Flynn. Both will be after I'm recovered from my surgery, but I'm feeling good that calls are coming in already. I am expecting a call from the Malachi House team probably tomorrow...

Anyhow, this is a strange and weird feeling for me. I had a talk with Maddy today to explain why she can't answer the phone, and why when mommy goes to talk on the phone in her closet, that means she needs to be extra quiet and be a big baby-sitter for Emma. She was really sweet about it and seemed to get that it was important that she help me :)

Oh well, Em just woke up from her nap. Gotta run.

Cross

I'm not exactly sure why, but on my drive home after getting the news this morning, I felt this compelling need to wear a cross necklace. I wore one a few years ago when I was going through some personal crises, and somehow it always made me feel better. Problem is the one I used to wear broke last year. So, I stopped on the way home and bought a really inexpensive one. Somehow I just feel safer. I feel some sense that things will be ok. I'll probably wear this every day. I've been saying a lot more prayers these days - job stuff and other things - and the necklace just makes me feel like He's a little closer :)

I am amazed today at the outreach from friends and colleagues offering support and already making professional connections for me. I am so touched by the words everyone is saying about me and my work, and I know it will all work out. I am forever grateful to have such a wonderful support system.

Last Friday of the Month

D-day ended up being today. They actually scheduled the meeting last night, so I knew that at 10:00 this morning I would be handed my package. It's decent. It should be long enough to find a new job. I'm happy about that, but incredibly sad at the same time. I'm not sad at all really about leaving the place and this job, but rather sad about this journey... what I gave up to take this job. aaahh... regrets. Anyhow, I know it is all going to work out in the end.

Things are ok with the Malachi House job. I talked to another board member today and I should hear from them next week for an interview... fingers crossed.

I'm cried out for today. Tired. Off to take a nap.

Surgery

FYI - having gallbladder surgery next Wednesday. It's pathetic, but I'm actually excited to have it done. No more late-night attacks of horrendous pain!

Non-Profit Work

I am heading into work tomorrow for d-day. I know it's coming. If not tomorrow, it will be Friday. The org chart for our dept. was leaked and I am not on it. I'm ok with it, really. I feel like I never really worked here to begin with because it was a catastrophe from the beginning. I'm just worried about my family and that the clock will start ticking... I've already been at this job hunting thing for 3 months and I'm still starting from square one with limited leads right now. Anyhow... there is one really strong lead in the works though, and I'm excited about it.

It's totally out of my box, but in a good way. It's a career change - moving into the non-profit world. Granted my hospital work is technically non-profit, but this is far different. It's a very small organization that is completely funded by private donations, and the role includes fundraising and marketing (in addition to PR). I'm in love with the thought of this job, and here's why...

These past six months have taught me a lot about what I really want to do with my career and more than anything what I do NOT want to do. I have had the privilege of working for the corporate side of PR, the agency side and the health care/non-profit world. I used to think that I just wanted to climb to the top of the ladder and make as much money as I could - that was my definition of success. I always thought that an impressive title is how you stand out/above the crowd, and being a stand-out was always my goal. Well, let me tell you this... I had a really great title, and an amazing salary, for being 29 years old, and I was completely miserable. I have learned that I really hate being the "approver" instead of the do-er. I hate working remotely via conference calls for everything. I need to interact with people. I need to write my own stuff. I need diversity in my work. I despise templates and mapped out scenarios for every day of my job.

So, after looking at millions of job postings and thinking long and hard about my career prospects, I honestly and most sincerely want to pursue a career in non-profit work if He will allow it. The money doesn't matter - as long as I can make enough to pay the bills. I want to use my talents and abilities in a way that really matters and makes a difference. That's why I loved my health care job so much - the stories I was able to tell educated people about treatments and research they might not have otherwise known about... I want to interact with people who love and appreciate the organization I work for (like patients, families, medical staff), because that is what will make me proud of my job (not my title).

And quite frankly, given the current economy, more and more people will be needing the help of non-profit organizations. And thus, non-profits need good leadership and support right now.

This place that I am hoping to end up working is not in the best neighborhood. It's a rather sad place, because it truly is where our city's poor go to die. But when I think about how blessed I am to have my family all around me and to have a roof over my head and financial comfort, I cannot possibly imagine if that were all taken away and on top of it knew that I was dying from a terminal illness. I want to let more people know about this place. I want to help raise money to support this organization. I want to help.

I have to call the chairman of the board on Friday to discuss the opportunity. I've already talked to one board member about it, but the best part is that another board member is someone here at the bank and he called the chairman and sent him my resume and everything... so, I'm hoping the contact "knowing someone" will help. I'll keep you posted.

Anyhow, this organization is Malachi House. www.malachihouse.org. I am praying like crazy that I'm able to land this one. It just feels right. As much as I wanted to be that corporate tough chick, it's just not me. I bring my heart to work. I'm a working mom - not the boardroom bitch :) I need to work for more than money and power.

Rockabye Baby

It was another sleepless night last night, and after watching TV for two hours and climbing back into bed, I just still couldn't sleep. Then, I started thinking about little Miss Emma sleeping in her crib and I so badly wanted to go in there and snatch her from her crib to rock and hold her, but I didn't. I didn't want to wake her up. So, imagine my excitement when 10 minutes later she wakes up on her own?! I went in there and scooped her up. We assumed our position in the rocking chair, and I just couldn't help but think that this will be one of the last times for this. She's almost 2 now, and every day she is less and less a "baby." I rocked her and kissed her head. There is something about her silky soft hair and the smells from her bath that just make me melt. She reached her hand up and touched my face, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how lucky and blessed I am - no matter where I work. My girls are beautiful and absolutely full of personality, and I love them so much. Miss Emma just completely drew out so many emotions in the rocking chair last night. I held her tight, snuggled up with her blanket, and we rocked much longer than she really needed. I felt so peaceful and relaxed, and so did she. I put her back in her crib and returned to my bed - snuggled up in my blankets and finally fell asleep.

Where is your cell phone?desk
Your significant other?jer
Your hair? hi-lights
Your mother? friend
Your father? hero
Your favorite thing? daughters
Your dream last night? job
Your favorite drink? dew
Your dream/goal? job
What room are you in? work
Your hobby? stamping
Your fear? failure
Where do you want to be in 6 Yrs? employed
Where were you last night? home
Something that you aren't? satisfied
Muffins? blueberry
Wish list item? job
Last thing you did? email
What are you wearing? sweater
TV? none
Your pets? none
Friends? many
Your life? ok
Your mood? frustrated
Missing someone? yes
Drinking? water
Smoking? no
Your car? Avenger
Something you're not wearing? gloves
Your favorite store? Target
Your favorite color? Blue
The last time you cried? Friday
Where do you go to over and over? mom
My favorite place to eat? garden
Favorite place I'd like to be at right now? vacation

Grumblings from "Grumpy"

I have been writing this post in my head for a while now, but I wasn't quite sure how much to divulge... but here it goes.

As you know, things have been stressful (to say the least) for me these past few months, but lately the stress has started to dominate my entire life. Bad. Bad. Bad. I have not been myself at all, and I know it, I feel it, but yet, I just can't seem to do anything about it. Over the weekend, Jer and Maddy were joking with me and calling me "Grumpy" from Snow White.

I'm just in such a funk, and here's why... as much as this shouldn't be the case, my job and career have also defined me. My work has always been a HUGE part of who I am, because I have always prided myself on never being average or normal. You know, always the over-achiever. So, being a mom with this booming career was me. Here I am, at 29 years old, a VP making a huge amount of money and all because I have been this completely driven and focused professional. Yes, sometimes my home life suffered because of my commitment to my career, but never anything horrible, and I always managed to figure it out and do a pretty job at it all. Until now. Now that my job is pretty much a joke, and things are moving so SLOWLY with the new job hunt, I just can't stand it. I feel like a big loser. My confidence in my skills and abilities are plummeting because I have no recent work "success" to thrive on, and I am just so frustrated.

I keep applying for these jobs online, but hear nothing for weeks and weeks. The job that I really do want is taking forever for them to decide, which is torturing me because I can't figure out what their lack of decision really means. I truly think they are stalling for a reason - they haven't said no, they just haven't decided what to do yet - maybe because the committee has been unable to meet yet? Maybe because they are stalling to save $$ in the budget? Maybe because they just don't have their act together? I don't know. It just is annoying. I WANT that job and I would be AWESOME at that job, if only they would give me the chance!!!!

Anyhow, this frustration and anger and resentment is just building as the months drag on. I'm pissed off that I took this job in the first place. I loved my work before, I was just frustrated by politics, which now seem like such petty things to be upset about. I'm mad at myself for not asking more questions in this process and being starry eyed by a title and lots of $$. I am mad about who has replaced me in my old role. I'm mad that after interviewing with 16 different people (not different organizations) in a 6-week period, I didn't seal a deal! I truly only got rejected twice, and once was because they could NEVER afford me, but still. I HATE this.

So, needless to say, I am grumpy, and I've been pretty grumpy at home.

Oh yeah, and I haven't been sleeping. BECAUSE the gall bladder is out of control. Attacks are becoming regular occurrences. I see a surgeon next week, and hopefully the actual surgery gets scheduled soon!! The pain is unbelievable. Need it out. Now.

And, what else is feeding the grumpiness? Lack of shopping. Serious lack of shopping. Jerry and I managed to drudge up some credit card debt this past year, and so we outlined a strict budget plan to get us back on track, which means my therapeutic trips to Target have been on hold when I need them most. Aaahh.

Seriously - I have some pent up frustrations. I just want to hit something. Jerry's idea for helping me with this is a tread mill. Take out the frustration by running. I'm trying that. It does help, until I find myself sitting in this office once again with absolutely nothing to do.

I digress.... back to scouring job sites. Just needed to vent.

Knots

I am full of "knots" today. The interview committee for the position I want is meeting right now, as I type this! They are deciding my fate - will I have a great weekend and something to celebrate or will I spend it curled up in a fetal position dealing with the demolition of my self-esteem? We'll see... I'll keep you posted.

The Holidays

Where do I begin? The holidays were amazing and magical. Santa was great to my girls this year and their reactions to every gift were priceless. Miss Madeline is ecstatic over her HSM doll house and her new "beauty shop" set-up. Miss Emma LOVES her Fisher Price slide. The other big hit for both of the girls was probably the cheapest gift Santa brought - a SpongeBob snowcone maker. Jer has spent countless hours churning ice cubes into sugary snowcones.

More than the insane amount of toys now overflowing in our house, Christmas was filled with really great family time. We drove around way too much to see everyone, but it was really worth it. My girls are so blessed to have such a big family and they truly love spending time with everyone - from their multitude of great grandmas and aunts and uncles to cousins of every level.

New Year's was extra special this year, as New Year's Day was Jer's 30th birthday. We had a fabulous party with family and friends to celebrate. It was perfect party. Awesome food. A few silly games. Alcohol. Wii. Kids running around crazy and struggling to stay awake at midnight. It was a really wonderful night. I created a slide show of pictures of Jerry with the girls and had it looping on the computer, and it brought tears to a lot of people's eyes, including mine. My hubby is an absolutely amazing daddy, and his girls are completely in love with him (and me too).

So, holidays were great.

Still waiting on job news. The job I now want is a job that I initially thought was not at all the right fit. It's strange, but after several rounds of interviews, I really fell in love with the place and the role. It's a position that would challenge me, provide great growth potential, allow me to really make a difference in the organization and work with some great people. I am pretty sure they will be making a decision this week.... oh, the prayers I have been saying! I am just waiting for that phone call, either way. I must warn you that if I don't get this job, I know that I will personally be in a really bad place. After not getting the other job, this would be an even bigger blow to the self-esteem, and even though I know I am good at what I do... these last few months here haven't been great for me. I haven't been able to really use my talents or make much of an impact, and that really is a hard thing for me. I just want to be "working" again and feel alive at work again and love my job again!

I know all things happen for a reason. I know He has a plan for me. I just need to keep the faith. It will all work out the way it is meant to...