Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Grumblings from "Grumpy"

I have been writing this post in my head for a while now, but I wasn't quite sure how much to divulge... but here it goes.

As you know, things have been stressful (to say the least) for me these past few months, but lately the stress has started to dominate my entire life. Bad. Bad. Bad. I have not been myself at all, and I know it, I feel it, but yet, I just can't seem to do anything about it. Over the weekend, Jer and Maddy were joking with me and calling me "Grumpy" from Snow White.

I'm just in such a funk, and here's why... as much as this shouldn't be the case, my job and career have also defined me. My work has always been a HUGE part of who I am, because I have always prided myself on never being average or normal. You know, always the over-achiever. So, being a mom with this booming career was me. Here I am, at 29 years old, a VP making a huge amount of money and all because I have been this completely driven and focused professional. Yes, sometimes my home life suffered because of my commitment to my career, but never anything horrible, and I always managed to figure it out and do a pretty job at it all. Until now. Now that my job is pretty much a joke, and things are moving so SLOWLY with the new job hunt, I just can't stand it. I feel like a big loser. My confidence in my skills and abilities are plummeting because I have no recent work "success" to thrive on, and I am just so frustrated.

I keep applying for these jobs online, but hear nothing for weeks and weeks. The job that I really do want is taking forever for them to decide, which is torturing me because I can't figure out what their lack of decision really means. I truly think they are stalling for a reason - they haven't said no, they just haven't decided what to do yet - maybe because the committee has been unable to meet yet? Maybe because they are stalling to save $$ in the budget? Maybe because they just don't have their act together? I don't know. It just is annoying. I WANT that job and I would be AWESOME at that job, if only they would give me the chance!!!!

Anyhow, this frustration and anger and resentment is just building as the months drag on. I'm pissed off that I took this job in the first place. I loved my work before, I was just frustrated by politics, which now seem like such petty things to be upset about. I'm mad at myself for not asking more questions in this process and being starry eyed by a title and lots of $$. I am mad about who has replaced me in my old role. I'm mad that after interviewing with 16 different people (not different organizations) in a 6-week period, I didn't seal a deal! I truly only got rejected twice, and once was because they could NEVER afford me, but still. I HATE this.

So, needless to say, I am grumpy, and I've been pretty grumpy at home.

Oh yeah, and I haven't been sleeping. BECAUSE the gall bladder is out of control. Attacks are becoming regular occurrences. I see a surgeon next week, and hopefully the actual surgery gets scheduled soon!! The pain is unbelievable. Need it out. Now.

And, what else is feeding the grumpiness? Lack of shopping. Serious lack of shopping. Jerry and I managed to drudge up some credit card debt this past year, and so we outlined a strict budget plan to get us back on track, which means my therapeutic trips to Target have been on hold when I need them most. Aaahh.

Seriously - I have some pent up frustrations. I just want to hit something. Jerry's idea for helping me with this is a tread mill. Take out the frustration by running. I'm trying that. It does help, until I find myself sitting in this office once again with absolutely nothing to do.

I digress.... back to scouring job sites. Just needed to vent.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Things have a way of working out. Sometimes we are tested, and the person we become as part of this process is much more wise than the person we were before. Right now you are being tested, but you need to take some time to realize the lessons of the difficulties you are facing, as well as realizing that its not as bad as it could be. Many have lost jobs and are looking for employment, while you still do have a position, albeit an unfulfilling one at the moment. Focus on that fact and that this will turn around, it will just take some time. And most importantly focus your energy (in addition to your treadmill) on really reflecting on what this passage in your life has taught you. This may well be the first time you've gotten "knocked on your ass," atleast professionally, so learn from this. You are doing what so many are doing right now...fighting for their career. Keep fighting. But learn to fight smarter. Take a deep breath. Be thankful of the small favor you have in still having a paycheck, and understand this: things could be worse, and this situation will only get better. We grow most from the challenges in life...don't miss the opportunity to do that.