Cross

I'm not exactly sure why, but on my drive home after getting the news this morning, I felt this compelling need to wear a cross necklace. I wore one a few years ago when I was going through some personal crises, and somehow it always made me feel better. Problem is the one I used to wear broke last year. So, I stopped on the way home and bought a really inexpensive one. Somehow I just feel safer. I feel some sense that things will be ok. I'll probably wear this every day. I've been saying a lot more prayers these days - job stuff and other things - and the necklace just makes me feel like He's a little closer :)

I am amazed today at the outreach from friends and colleagues offering support and already making professional connections for me. I am so touched by the words everyone is saying about me and my work, and I know it will all work out. I am forever grateful to have such a wonderful support system.

Last Friday of the Month

D-day ended up being today. They actually scheduled the meeting last night, so I knew that at 10:00 this morning I would be handed my package. It's decent. It should be long enough to find a new job. I'm happy about that, but incredibly sad at the same time. I'm not sad at all really about leaving the place and this job, but rather sad about this journey... what I gave up to take this job. aaahh... regrets. Anyhow, I know it is all going to work out in the end.

Things are ok with the Malachi House job. I talked to another board member today and I should hear from them next week for an interview... fingers crossed.

I'm cried out for today. Tired. Off to take a nap.

Surgery

FYI - having gallbladder surgery next Wednesday. It's pathetic, but I'm actually excited to have it done. No more late-night attacks of horrendous pain!

Non-Profit Work

I am heading into work tomorrow for d-day. I know it's coming. If not tomorrow, it will be Friday. The org chart for our dept. was leaked and I am not on it. I'm ok with it, really. I feel like I never really worked here to begin with because it was a catastrophe from the beginning. I'm just worried about my family and that the clock will start ticking... I've already been at this job hunting thing for 3 months and I'm still starting from square one with limited leads right now. Anyhow... there is one really strong lead in the works though, and I'm excited about it.

It's totally out of my box, but in a good way. It's a career change - moving into the non-profit world. Granted my hospital work is technically non-profit, but this is far different. It's a very small organization that is completely funded by private donations, and the role includes fundraising and marketing (in addition to PR). I'm in love with the thought of this job, and here's why...

These past six months have taught me a lot about what I really want to do with my career and more than anything what I do NOT want to do. I have had the privilege of working for the corporate side of PR, the agency side and the health care/non-profit world. I used to think that I just wanted to climb to the top of the ladder and make as much money as I could - that was my definition of success. I always thought that an impressive title is how you stand out/above the crowd, and being a stand-out was always my goal. Well, let me tell you this... I had a really great title, and an amazing salary, for being 29 years old, and I was completely miserable. I have learned that I really hate being the "approver" instead of the do-er. I hate working remotely via conference calls for everything. I need to interact with people. I need to write my own stuff. I need diversity in my work. I despise templates and mapped out scenarios for every day of my job.

So, after looking at millions of job postings and thinking long and hard about my career prospects, I honestly and most sincerely want to pursue a career in non-profit work if He will allow it. The money doesn't matter - as long as I can make enough to pay the bills. I want to use my talents and abilities in a way that really matters and makes a difference. That's why I loved my health care job so much - the stories I was able to tell educated people about treatments and research they might not have otherwise known about... I want to interact with people who love and appreciate the organization I work for (like patients, families, medical staff), because that is what will make me proud of my job (not my title).

And quite frankly, given the current economy, more and more people will be needing the help of non-profit organizations. And thus, non-profits need good leadership and support right now.

This place that I am hoping to end up working is not in the best neighborhood. It's a rather sad place, because it truly is where our city's poor go to die. But when I think about how blessed I am to have my family all around me and to have a roof over my head and financial comfort, I cannot possibly imagine if that were all taken away and on top of it knew that I was dying from a terminal illness. I want to let more people know about this place. I want to help raise money to support this organization. I want to help.

I have to call the chairman of the board on Friday to discuss the opportunity. I've already talked to one board member about it, but the best part is that another board member is someone here at the bank and he called the chairman and sent him my resume and everything... so, I'm hoping the contact "knowing someone" will help. I'll keep you posted.

Anyhow, this organization is Malachi House. www.malachihouse.org. I am praying like crazy that I'm able to land this one. It just feels right. As much as I wanted to be that corporate tough chick, it's just not me. I bring my heart to work. I'm a working mom - not the boardroom bitch :) I need to work for more than money and power.

Rockabye Baby

It was another sleepless night last night, and after watching TV for two hours and climbing back into bed, I just still couldn't sleep. Then, I started thinking about little Miss Emma sleeping in her crib and I so badly wanted to go in there and snatch her from her crib to rock and hold her, but I didn't. I didn't want to wake her up. So, imagine my excitement when 10 minutes later she wakes up on her own?! I went in there and scooped her up. We assumed our position in the rocking chair, and I just couldn't help but think that this will be one of the last times for this. She's almost 2 now, and every day she is less and less a "baby." I rocked her and kissed her head. There is something about her silky soft hair and the smells from her bath that just make me melt. She reached her hand up and touched my face, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how lucky and blessed I am - no matter where I work. My girls are beautiful and absolutely full of personality, and I love them so much. Miss Emma just completely drew out so many emotions in the rocking chair last night. I held her tight, snuggled up with her blanket, and we rocked much longer than she really needed. I felt so peaceful and relaxed, and so did she. I put her back in her crib and returned to my bed - snuggled up in my blankets and finally fell asleep.

Where is your cell phone?desk
Your significant other?jer
Your hair? hi-lights
Your mother? friend
Your father? hero
Your favorite thing? daughters
Your dream last night? job
Your favorite drink? dew
Your dream/goal? job
What room are you in? work
Your hobby? stamping
Your fear? failure
Where do you want to be in 6 Yrs? employed
Where were you last night? home
Something that you aren't? satisfied
Muffins? blueberry
Wish list item? job
Last thing you did? email
What are you wearing? sweater
TV? none
Your pets? none
Friends? many
Your life? ok
Your mood? frustrated
Missing someone? yes
Drinking? water
Smoking? no
Your car? Avenger
Something you're not wearing? gloves
Your favorite store? Target
Your favorite color? Blue
The last time you cried? Friday
Where do you go to over and over? mom
My favorite place to eat? garden
Favorite place I'd like to be at right now? vacation

Grumblings from "Grumpy"

I have been writing this post in my head for a while now, but I wasn't quite sure how much to divulge... but here it goes.

As you know, things have been stressful (to say the least) for me these past few months, but lately the stress has started to dominate my entire life. Bad. Bad. Bad. I have not been myself at all, and I know it, I feel it, but yet, I just can't seem to do anything about it. Over the weekend, Jer and Maddy were joking with me and calling me "Grumpy" from Snow White.

I'm just in such a funk, and here's why... as much as this shouldn't be the case, my job and career have also defined me. My work has always been a HUGE part of who I am, because I have always prided myself on never being average or normal. You know, always the over-achiever. So, being a mom with this booming career was me. Here I am, at 29 years old, a VP making a huge amount of money and all because I have been this completely driven and focused professional. Yes, sometimes my home life suffered because of my commitment to my career, but never anything horrible, and I always managed to figure it out and do a pretty job at it all. Until now. Now that my job is pretty much a joke, and things are moving so SLOWLY with the new job hunt, I just can't stand it. I feel like a big loser. My confidence in my skills and abilities are plummeting because I have no recent work "success" to thrive on, and I am just so frustrated.

I keep applying for these jobs online, but hear nothing for weeks and weeks. The job that I really do want is taking forever for them to decide, which is torturing me because I can't figure out what their lack of decision really means. I truly think they are stalling for a reason - they haven't said no, they just haven't decided what to do yet - maybe because the committee has been unable to meet yet? Maybe because they are stalling to save $$ in the budget? Maybe because they just don't have their act together? I don't know. It just is annoying. I WANT that job and I would be AWESOME at that job, if only they would give me the chance!!!!

Anyhow, this frustration and anger and resentment is just building as the months drag on. I'm pissed off that I took this job in the first place. I loved my work before, I was just frustrated by politics, which now seem like such petty things to be upset about. I'm mad at myself for not asking more questions in this process and being starry eyed by a title and lots of $$. I am mad about who has replaced me in my old role. I'm mad that after interviewing with 16 different people (not different organizations) in a 6-week period, I didn't seal a deal! I truly only got rejected twice, and once was because they could NEVER afford me, but still. I HATE this.

So, needless to say, I am grumpy, and I've been pretty grumpy at home.

Oh yeah, and I haven't been sleeping. BECAUSE the gall bladder is out of control. Attacks are becoming regular occurrences. I see a surgeon next week, and hopefully the actual surgery gets scheduled soon!! The pain is unbelievable. Need it out. Now.

And, what else is feeding the grumpiness? Lack of shopping. Serious lack of shopping. Jerry and I managed to drudge up some credit card debt this past year, and so we outlined a strict budget plan to get us back on track, which means my therapeutic trips to Target have been on hold when I need them most. Aaahh.

Seriously - I have some pent up frustrations. I just want to hit something. Jerry's idea for helping me with this is a tread mill. Take out the frustration by running. I'm trying that. It does help, until I find myself sitting in this office once again with absolutely nothing to do.

I digress.... back to scouring job sites. Just needed to vent.

Knots

I am full of "knots" today. The interview committee for the position I want is meeting right now, as I type this! They are deciding my fate - will I have a great weekend and something to celebrate or will I spend it curled up in a fetal position dealing with the demolition of my self-esteem? We'll see... I'll keep you posted.

The Holidays

Where do I begin? The holidays were amazing and magical. Santa was great to my girls this year and their reactions to every gift were priceless. Miss Madeline is ecstatic over her HSM doll house and her new "beauty shop" set-up. Miss Emma LOVES her Fisher Price slide. The other big hit for both of the girls was probably the cheapest gift Santa brought - a SpongeBob snowcone maker. Jer has spent countless hours churning ice cubes into sugary snowcones.

More than the insane amount of toys now overflowing in our house, Christmas was filled with really great family time. We drove around way too much to see everyone, but it was really worth it. My girls are so blessed to have such a big family and they truly love spending time with everyone - from their multitude of great grandmas and aunts and uncles to cousins of every level.

New Year's was extra special this year, as New Year's Day was Jer's 30th birthday. We had a fabulous party with family and friends to celebrate. It was perfect party. Awesome food. A few silly games. Alcohol. Wii. Kids running around crazy and struggling to stay awake at midnight. It was a really wonderful night. I created a slide show of pictures of Jerry with the girls and had it looping on the computer, and it brought tears to a lot of people's eyes, including mine. My hubby is an absolutely amazing daddy, and his girls are completely in love with him (and me too).

So, holidays were great.

Still waiting on job news. The job I now want is a job that I initially thought was not at all the right fit. It's strange, but after several rounds of interviews, I really fell in love with the place and the role. It's a position that would challenge me, provide great growth potential, allow me to really make a difference in the organization and work with some great people. I am pretty sure they will be making a decision this week.... oh, the prayers I have been saying! I am just waiting for that phone call, either way. I must warn you that if I don't get this job, I know that I will personally be in a really bad place. After not getting the other job, this would be an even bigger blow to the self-esteem, and even though I know I am good at what I do... these last few months here haven't been great for me. I haven't been able to really use my talents or make much of an impact, and that really is a hard thing for me. I just want to be "working" again and feel alive at work again and love my job again!

I know all things happen for a reason. I know He has a plan for me. I just need to keep the faith. It will all work out the way it is meant to...